The Glengoolie Blue Diary
by Red Witch
Summary: The gang finds Archer's diary. They're not exactly happy about what he wrote.


** The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has been written down somewhere. This is just some madness from my tiny little brain. **

**The Glengoolie Blue Diary **

"Hang on Cheryl," Cyril said to the agency's resident rich masochistic pyromaniac. "What do you mean you found Archer's diary?"

"Have you gotten something in your ear balls?" Cheryl rolled her eyes. "Like a reverse Babel Fish? Because I think I was pretty clear on that."

"A **what**?" Lana asked. She was in the bullpen along with Ray, Pam and Krieger.

"It proves and disproves the theory of God!" Cheryl snapped.

"So do your brain cells," Ray remarked. "Just walk us through what you found."

"I was looking through Archer's computer," Cheryl said. "Because I was bored. And I found that he was keeping a diary since he got to LA!"

"Ooh juicy," Pam's eyes lit up. "Well let's go read it!"

"I've got it up in his office," Cheryl said.

"Hang on," Lana began. "These are Archer's personal thoughts. There are privacy concerns and…"

Then Lana started to laugh along with the rest of the Figgis Agency. "Damn it!" She giggled. "I knew I couldn't get through that with a straight face!"

"Neither could I!" Ray snickered.

"Me too," Krieger laughed.

"Okay let's go read it," Cyril waved.

Cheryl looked at Cyril. "You're just looking for a passage that says if Archer's in a coma, it would be okay to pull the plug, aren't you? That way you can show it to a judge to 86 him."

"**Is** there one?" Cyril asked.

"No," Cheryl sighed. "That's one of the reasons I read the diary."

"Damn," Cyril sighed. "Well it's still worth a read."

"I don't know guys," Ray said as the gang went to Archer's office. "Do we really want to read Archer's private thoughts? We might not like what he writes about us."

"This is Archer," Pam said. "We don't like what he says to us to **our faces!"**

"He has told me several times he would love to murder me," Cyril snapped. "I can just imagine what he wrote. Possibly some detailed plans."

"He would do that," Pam realized. "Come on let's go."

They went into Archer's office. There were boxes all over the place. "I forgot we were using Archer's office as storage," Lana admitted as they made their way around the boxes.

"Well it saves Ms. Archer a lot of cash," Pam remarked. "Since all of this junk is her son's."

Lana looked around. "Didn't Archer have a lot **more things** stored away in here? I could have sworn he had more boxes."

"Uh…" Cyril paused as he looked at the others.

FLASHBACK!

Cyril was taking some alcohol out of one of the boxes. "Archer owes me at least one bottle of Glengoolie Blue! What the hell? Make it two. Or three. Ooh, and that tie looks nice."

He looked in another box. "What the…? This box is full of nothing but porn DVDs. What's this? From Russia With Lots of Sex. Score!"

FLASHBACK!

"That will teach that bastard to be stingy with the hooch," Pam had taken some bottles of alcohol for herself. "What's this? A box full of porn? What's this one? Queen of Heat. Score!"

FLASHBACK!

Ray had taken a few bottles of alcohol. "Let's see, do I want an extra Glengoolie Blue or do I feel like some Old Bunkum? Oh, what the hell? Might as well get both. I can afford it. Because it's free. What's in this box?"

"It must be his porn box," Ray paused as he looked at one DVD. "The Vagina Monologues."

"Pass…" He tossed it back in the box.

Ray looked in another box. "Ooh! Some nice black turtlenecks with the price tag still on! And new socks! Score!"

FLASHBACK!

"Ooh, some nice porn," Krieger looked through a box. He had also taken a bottle of whisky. "Eh I've already seen some of these. What else does Archer have?"

Krieger looked in another box. "Some of those ties look pretty nice. Since I use regular ties. Now. Yes. I use regular ties now. That means I can take some of those."

"And a hairbrush!" Krieger took it out of the box. "With some of Archer's hair. AKA DNA. SCORE!"

FLASHBACK!

"I can't believe some of the stuff Archer has in here," Cyril was rummaging through the boxes. "What the…"

He took out something. "A 1947 World Series Championship ring? Where the hell did he get **that?** On second thought I **don't **want to know."

Cyril paused. "I wonder how much I can get if I sell this online? Only one way to find out!"

FLASHBACK!

Pam took something out of a box. "A signed baseball card. Who the hell is Eddie Waitkus? And I wonder how much it will go on E-bay?"

FLASHBACK!

"Diamond studded cufflinks?" Ray took them out of a box. "Eh, I'll keep 'em."

FLASHBACK!

Cyril took out something. "A gold covered lacrosse stick? With a diamond encrusted handle? Where the hell did he get **that?**"

"Don't ask," Mallory sighed. "Give it to me. I need to sell that gold covered piece of useless crap."

"To help pay Archer's medical bills?" Cyril handed it to her.

"Sure," Mallory said with a straight face. "Let's say **that's** the reason."

"Of course," Cyril sighed.

"By the way," Mallory looked around. "You didn't happen to see a 1947 World Series Championship ring, did you?"

"_A what?"_ Cyril feigned ignorance.

"Never mind," Mallory sighed. "Knowing Sterling he probably already pawned it. Or gave it to one of his whores. Typical. I knew giving it to him for a high school graduation present was a bad idea. Well that and paying for his spring break trip to Thailand."

"You gave Archer a World Series ring for his graduation?" Cyril asked.

"To be fair I got it from a former ballplayer as a birthday gift," Mallory admitted. "Oh, don't worry, it wasn't **his ring**. He never even made it out of the minors let alone won a World Series. He won it in a poker game from some other guy who won it in a different poker game. And was married. Meaning he gave his wife a bigger ring. Sentimentally it's no big deal. I just wanted to pawn it for financial reasons."

"You don't think Archer is going to notice…?" Cyril began.

"Look when Sterling wakes up and if he does figure out that he's missing a few items he didn't even realize he **had,"** Mallory instructed. "Just blame me."

"That was basically the plan," Cyril admitted.

"You know…?" Mallory gave him a look.

FLASHBACK!

Ray pulled out a Chinchilla costume. "I don't even know **why **he has this."

"I'll take it," Krieger said.

"Of course, you will," Ray sighed as he handed Krieger the costume. "See if he has any more stretch turtlenecks. I want to see if they will fit me."

FLASHBACK!

"Hey this turtleneck actually fits me," Ron grinned. He was wearing a black turtleneck. "And the tag is still on."

"Looks good on you," Pam nodded. "Happy Birthday Ron!"

"You shouldn't have Pam," Ron said as he looked at the tag. "Whoa!"

"Oh sorry," Pam said. "I forgot to take the tag off."

"Pam I've sold car parts for less than this thing!" Ron gasped. "You shouldn't have spent so much money!"

"Don't worry," Pam told him. "I didn't."

FLASHBACK!

"This tie and these silk never used handkerchiefs should be a good present for my father," Cyril picked them out of the box. "Not that the old bastard would appreciate anything I give him anyway. Never has. So why the hell should I spend money on him? Especially when it's at Archer's expense! Win-Win!"

FLASHBACK!

Cheryl sighed as she held a box full of Archer's things. "Oh Archer…" She sighed. "All I have left of you are the memories of our nights together. And afternoons. A couple quickies in the morning. And that one time on the copy machine. I just had to take some tiny mementos of our cherished time together."

She then put the box on the ground. Lit a match and threw it on the box. She cackled happily as she watched it burn.

FLASHFORWARD!

"Well you know his mother," Ray said quickly. "She already took half of his alcohol to drink and some of his clothes. Possibly to bribe people."

"She did take his gold covered lacrosse stick," Cyril admitted. "To help pay the hospital bills. At least that's what she said."

"Let's just read this thing," Lana sighed as they went to the computer.

Cheryl sat down and started to read the entry. "Okay here's the first entry. _Day One. This is Sterling Archer. Former World's Greatest Spy. Soon to be World's Greatest Detective…"_

"HA!" Lana scoffed.

"_Step One,"_ Cheryl read. _"Get a cool car. Tell Mother some bullshit about needing a practical one. Then get the same car from Magnum PI. Step Two, grow a mustache. On second thought, better wait. Last time I tried to grow a mustache AJ kept pulling at it." _

Cheryl paused. "I guess the stupid baby is good for something."

"Just keep reading," Lana glared at Cheryl.

"_Step Two is to now get cool outfits,"_ Cheryl read.

"This is riveting," Ray quipped.

"_Day Three…"_ Cheryl read_. "Sorry. Skipped a couple of days. Nothing much was going on anyway. Mother was complaining. Cyril was being a pain. Lana was nagging. Krieger was skulking around doing God knows what. Carol was just staring into space after sniffing glue and eating groovy bears. Pam was eating bear claws and in the john. Ray was just being useless as usual…"_

"_**USELESS?"**_ Ray screeched. "Useless **my ass!** I was the one who helped **decorate** the office! I even picked out the damn furniture!"

"I do like the couch in the bullpen," Cheryl realized. "And the color scheme."

"The room does have a nice flow to it," Krieger agreed. "It has some real Feng Shui energy that I like."

"_See?"_ Ray pointed out. "I was **not** useless!"

"Nobody who is **currently standing here** said you were," Cyril told him. "Keep going Cheryl."

"I even helped set up half the damn furniture," Ray muttered. "Who do you think put the bar together? Bob Vila?"

Cheryl waved. "Then there's some boring crap about his new car. How great it is. How he could attract babes with it. Blah, blah, blah…In fact for the first three pages every other paragraph is about how great his car is. And how in love with it he was."

"You know who was really in love with **his car?"** Lana remarked. "His mechanic."

"That thing broke down more times than a drunk reality star," Ray remarked.

"The only time that thing was on the road was when it was being towed," Pam agreed.

"Interesting he's writing about his **car** being the love of his life more than **you,**" Cyril looked at Lana.

"Keep talking Figgis," Lana glared at him. "Archer won't be the only one in a coma."

"What does he say about us?" Pam asked.

"You mean about **you** specifically?" Cheryl asked.

"Exactly," Pam nodded. "Spill it, Secre-**tart**-tiat."

"_Pam is the best friend I ever had,"_ Cheryl read. _"Not to mention I had some of the best sex of my life with her."_

"Awww…" Pam grinned.

"_If only she wasn't so disgusting and fat,"_ Cheryl read on. _"She'd almost be the perfect woman. I'd even take the fat part but she's just horrible. Seriously, I know way too much about that woman's bowel movements than I should." _

"WHAT?" Pam snapped.

"He's not wrong about that last part," Cyril remarked.

"_I really feel bad sometimes that Pam will probably die alone,"_ Cheryl read_. "And unmarried. For some reason she actually wants to be married. Honestly, it might be for the best if she doesn't. I'd feel sorry for the poor sap she actually does trap in her canned ham hard hands." _

"Why that son of a…?" Pam growled.

"_Maybe she could trick Cyril into marrying her_?" Cheryl read. _"You know? If she ever went blind."_

"HEY!" Cyril snapped.

"_No, not even Pam deserves Cyril,"_ Cheryl read. "_A dead hooker doesn't deserve Cyril. Of course, Cyril does deserve to get syphilis from a dead hooker."_

"He's one to talk," Cyril fumed.

"_Maybe Pam can trick Carol into marrying her somehow if it ever gets legal?" _Cheryl read_. "She's stupid enough to fall for anything. I admit one of my regrets in life is sleeping with her. I mean I'd do it anyway, because come on, she's hot. But I wish I'd known how creepy and weird she is. And kind of violent. And a bit more conniving than she lets on. Seriously I would not be surprised if Carol murdered someone in the near future…Possibly Cyril. And she was locked away for life. Or became a serial arsonist or a serial killer. And Cyril was one of her victims. That she burned his corpse after killing him." _

Cheryl paused. "Part of me is really pissed and yet part of me is really turned on. Is that weird?"

"It would be if it was anyone else but **you,**" Lana sighed.

"What else does it say about me?" Ray asked.

"Honestly Ray you're barely even mentioned in this," Cheryl said. "Except that one part I already read."

"Well I am just insulted," Ray sniffed.

"Not as much as the rest of us," Pam looked at him.

"What does he say about me?" Krieger asked.

"_Krieger's an okay guy,"_ Cheryl read. _"He's one of the few idiots around here with a brain cell. I'll give him that. And he actually does some good science stuff. So, he's useful." _

"_Okay?"_ Krieger blinked. "I thought we were closer than **okay!**"

"Apparently not," Ray remarked.

"_Honestly part of me is a little afraid of him," _Cheryl remarked. _"I've seen some of his experiments and some of the creepy things in his lab are really disconcerting. Really disconcerting." _

"Yeah that's one of the words I'd use to describe it," Pam admitted.

"You know…?" Krieger looked at her.

_ "I'm even afraid to leave my hairbrush around him,"_ Cheryl read. "_On the off chance he'd do some weird cloning/mutating DNA experiments."_

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa….?" Krieger pretended to be shocked. "I would never…"

"You would," Ray looked at him.

"Oh yeah," Pam nodded.

"Without a doubt," Cyril added.

"Yuuup," Lana agreed.

Cheryl paused. "I thought that weird clone in that test tube in the back looked a little familiar!"

"WHAT?" Lana and Pam shouted as one.

"Oh, dear sweet Jesus," Ray groaned.

"KRIEGER!" Cyril shouted.

"He's already dead! GOD!" Krieger snapped. "I was just playing around."

"That's what Ms. Archer will do with your small intestines," Pam warned. "If she finds out about this."

_ "That's the main reason I'm nice to the Nazi,"_ Cheryl read. "_Because honestly I don't want to end up like all those interns he murdered. Well that and the fun drugs he gives me."_

"I did **not **murder my interns!" Krieger protested. "And even if they did happen to die, they didn't die because of a grudge! I cared for them all! Except for Jerry. But he didn't die because of a grudge! I really did accidentally forget to feed Goatley that day!"

"Let's just move on shall we?" Cyril sighed. "You can skip anything else Archer wrote about me, Cheryl. I'm more than aware of Archer's hatred of me. I'm pretty sure Archer would set himself on fire before admitting anything nice about me."

"That's where you're wrong!" Cheryl told him. "_I can't believe I'm saying this. I'd rather set myself on fire than admit this…"_

"You called it," Ray remarked as he looked at Cyril.

_ "But I have to admire Cyril on how he actually got Lana to sleep with him,"_ Cheryl read. _"Even though it's more desperation on Lana's part than anything he did. But he managed to do it. I have to give him kudos on that." _

"What does he say about me?" Lana asked.

"Ugh," Cheryl groaned before reading. "_I hate to admit it, but I hate Cyril for having sex with Lana, because I've always loved Lana. I know it's fun to annoy her, but I love Lana. After everything we've been through, all the shit we've done…As crazy as it sounds…Out of all the women I've met Lana is the love of my life. Even more than Katya. I can't imagine myself with any other woman." _

"Oh," Lana sniffed. "That is so sweet."

"However," Cheryl pointed out. "The **day after** we met the real Veronica Deane…He wrote **this**! _I have never felt this way about any woman as I have about Veronica. There's something about her that makes me feel like a real man!" _

"Yeah his **Oedipus complex!"** Lana shouted. "He didn't even think about how his obsession would affect our relationship!"

"He did," Cheryl pointed. "Right here. He wrote: _I know I shouldn't be thinking of making love to Veronica. I'm with Lana now. I should be happy." _

"Should is the operative word here," Ray pointed out.

_ "Lana and I have AJ,"_ Cheryl read. _"Is it really worth throwing away our relationship for a passionate affair? Can I really just forget about Lana and my daughter and all we have been through for a wild romance?" _

_ "Oh, what the hell?"_ Cheryl kept going. "_I might as well bang Veronica Deane. She'd be great for my list. And a hell of a slot in my slideshow. It's not like I haven't cheated on Lana before. One more time won't make a difference. Maybe I'll get lucky and she'll say we're on break again or something? Then I can have Veronica guilt free!" _

"Great plan, Lana," Ray gave her a look. "I won't say I didn't warn you…"

"But you just did," Lana groaned.

Cheryl added. _"I can always get Lana back. I mean she is pretty desperate. The only other option she has is Cyril and we all know that's pretty much doomed! What's she going to do? Marry him? HA! HA!" _

Cheryl blinked. "And then he writes Ha like fifty times."

Lana growled. "Oh, that man better pray he **never** wakes up from his coma."

"Kind of hard for him to do so," Pam pointed out. "Since he's unconscious."

"Listen to this," Cheryl said. _"I really should write more about my amazing cases. I know one day Hollywood would make a movie about my life. Especially if I banged Veronica Deane. Maybe she can find a producer or something? Of course, we'd have to change the name of the agency to the Archer Agency. The Figgis Agency is pathetic. Look who it's named after." _

_ "Then again it's not as if the rest of the group is that great. Okay Lana and Pam are pretty good at what they do. When they're not screwing around." _

**"We're** screwing around?" Lana shouted.

"A screwdriver doesn't screw as much as he does!" Pam agreed.

_ "Let's be honest,"_ Cheryl kept reading_. "If it wasn't for me that agency would have fallen apart months ago. I am the only real agent there. All the others, they're just riding on my coattails. Note to self, get a coat with some tails. I hear they are making a comeback." _

"We're riding on **his coattails**?" Pam snapped.

"I know!" Cheryl agreed. "Some of us are holding our own pretty damn well!"

"That stuck up son of a…" Lana fumed.

_ "If I wasn't there or Mother wasn't there…" _Cheryl read. "_That agency would just fall_ _apart. Like Carol's tits if she's not wearing a Wonderbra. _HEY!"

"Told you no good would come from this," Ray grumbled.

"My tits are perfect!" Cheryl snapped. "And I don't need a Wonderbra!"

"Ehhh…" Pam shrugged. "It couldn't hurt."

"Okay here's what we are going to do," Cyril said to the group. "If Archer ever wakes up, we are going to tell him that our agency had plenty of clients and work. That we are doing just **fine **without him! Got it?"

"Technically that's **not** a lie," Ray admitted.

"I am more than willing to testify to that," Pam agreed. "That we're doing fine without him."

"Again, not a lie," Cheryl nodded. "Technically."

"I'm in," Krieger nodded.

"Me too," Lana growled.

"I think some good did come out of this," Pam remarked. "If only to give us motivation to wipe the smug grin off that asshole's face!"

"Right," Cyril said. "I'm going to go online to look for some cold cases to solve."

"I'm going to try to find some leads for possible work," Lana agreed.

"I could make more flyers," Pam said.

"I'll distribute them," Ray added. "Oh, and I am going to mail the bills! And make dinner for tonight! Which is **not **being useless!"

"I'm going to commit arson!" Cheryl called out. "So you guys can investigate it and do some insurance fraud for me!"

"Thank you, Cheryl," Cyril sighed. "Can always count on you for that."

"It is where we get over eighty percent of our money from," Ray admitted.

"I'm going to…" Krieger paused. "Clean my lab."

"Pull the other one," Pam glared at Krieger.

"Cheryl I can't believe I'm saying this," Lana sighed. "But we need you to start a fire. In Krieger's lab."

"Aww, man," Krieger groaned.

"Eeee!" Cheryl squealed with glee. "I'm contributing!"

"I'd better help with the fire extinguisher so it doesn't get out of control," Ray groaned.

"I'll hold Krieger down," Pam nodded.

"I'll go fill out an accident report for the insurance," Cyril groaned as the others left.

"I'm going to upload my resume online," Lana groaned as she left. "As well as a dating profile."


End file.
